[God, the little shit's putty in Lupin's hands. How cute. At least he won't have to worry about this one too much, if he's this easy. He plays the usual card, the sweet smile and the little squeal of delight, wiggles a finger before his nose and tuts "don't make me get the newspaper"]
If you'd like to put it that way, sure. I thinking young enough to stubbornly hang on to that bone, and old enough to know what'll happen when you do.
[Avoid-y one, huh. Well, he can live with that. Lupin doesn't blame him. Ah, and definitely won't refuse the drink]
[ The words are halfway out of his mouth, like instinct, as he slides champagne glasses over to his conversation partner and puts on that charming jester face. ]
So, what are you doing after—
[ —this, is what he realizes he can't ask, mostly because he's not willing to ditch Rahzel for a one-night stand; even if it's such a good way to move conversation away from Things About Himself. Shit.
He backpedals like he was born on these shitty wheels taking him back, back, back. ]
—the curtains open and we get to poke at the goods?
['She' accepts, her eyebrows raised in question and face honest and open (yeah right) and when he careens into completely unpredictable territory, Lupin makes a confused noise in the back of his throat.
this slick little bastard was totally gonna ask him out, and then he just pulled out? The nerve of this guy! Brushing off the fake advances of a fake lovely lady!
(why the fuck does he care, he won't ask himself)
'Her' expression settles into something knowing and perhaps a little judgmental.]
Why, keep poking until I find its defenses and stab at the competition, naturally. That's the only way in these parts. How about you?
[ If Hi-tan didn't have his eyes on the prize, his dick would never have pulled out from this situation. Then again, it would never have gotten...in... this is terrible and I should feel terrible.
Things seem to be flying a little south for Baroqueheat, because he has to juggle his smoozy bastard side with his competitive asshole side, and it's like having two shoulder devils prodding at him at once. His smile becomes a little stiff, as forced as "her"s. ]
Aha... that made my nethers hurt, and I have no idea why.
[ It must have been the emphatic use of the word "stab". ]
Well. I make love, not war, so I'm trying to find more diplomatic ways to get what I want! ♥
[ diplomatic, aka stealing the fuck out of it because ain't no way he's getting a necklace here for 5 bucks ]
[ I can't even think of anything clever to say, Baroqueheat's destiny is to have his dick snapped off at the head. Amen.
That terrifying mental image aside, he recovers when 'she' plays along with him (albeit with an air that says "I do hope your dick gets snapped off"), even if his knees knock inwards and he pitches forward so that his chin's resting on her shoulder. ]
So you want me to moon them? Maybe rack up a few bucks from ladies in the audience who want to put bills in my underwear? That might give me an edge over my competition, yeah.
Ah, so he recognizes that aura? He's one tough cookie! Not totally gooey up there between the ears. Good to know. He blanches internally when that pointy chin touches him, though on the outside he merely lifts a hand to caress beneath his chin.]
Who said anything about the ladies? Though Madam Maryweather goes to those sorts of places all the time, she can teach the others allll about it! No, you'd have to go for the pool boy act. An edge? A distraction, at least. And it'd certainly anger their husbands.
[ This smarmy shit. He looks up at her through his bangs, flashes teeth that are too white for his tarry soul. Oblivious he may seem, oblivious he isn't— because he follows that up with a slightly shit-eatingly inquisitive: ]
Will you be mad if I get whatever it is that you're gunning for? ♥
[He laughs, a genuine belly laugh, shaking his head. Husband? More like his naggy, cute wife in an apron and nothing but.
(mine)]
Like I said, he's not the sort to get jealous easily. He's a very giving kind of man. And he knows I, too, am a free spirit. He'll probably disapprove of you blinding everyone with your ass, though.
[Bats her eyelashes at him again, wicked, wicked red lips turned up at the edges, a toothy smile nearly splitting her face, wide enough to swallow him whole or tear him to bits.]
Who's to say you'll get it before I do~? I've been doing this a lot longer than you have, baby.
[ What a power couple. Baroqueheat looks slightly interested, chin still on that shapely shoulder and his jaw working over her skin. Maybe he shouldn't get on this girl's bad side, especially with a husband that sounds like a mafia don... one of those "I let my woman do what she want" sort of guys with a billion dollars at his disposal, one of those "she'll always come back to be in the end" kind of sleazebags who slap people with wadded-up bills. His imagination is going wild again. ]
Ooh, scary, scary. I bet he has a scar running down his face and smokes big fat cigars.
[ (Somewhere in the corner of the room, Jigen sneezes.)
He's about to chuckle at his own joke when he catches that smile out of the corner of his eye, though, and it dies halfway in his throat. ]
—Mm, are we gonna be racing for it? I love having women at my tail, not gonna lie.
[Dipping her head slightly, she turns her face, rogue blushed cheek brushing against him. Gross.
Oh, if only he knew. Not quite a don, but a guard dog turning his nose up at the scraps and biting the tails off the little yapping rookies that get too close to his den. He doesn't even swat deserving dumbasses with his precious hat.]
Pall Malls, actually. He smokes those. And his face is really, really handsome. He tries so hard not to make faces when I kiss him but, well...
[His smile turns all soft again, for a quarter of a second, before the teeth are back, ready to line Baroqueheat's throat if need be.]
I don't think it'll be much of a race, since all you'll be privy to is the sight of my dust in the distance.
[ Whoa, whoa. There's a low whistle, impressed and maybe slightly teasing; when did he get on the other side of a healthy boast? Married women, really. He's good at telling when people are being genuinely fond, and there it is, that dull ache that he likes to pretend is just plain annoyance. How are people so happy, all the time?
He laughs, pulls his arms up to drape them over her a shitty octopus. ]
I'm a Marlboros guy, wanna kiss me and see if I taste different? ♥
[ Now he's really motivated to steal this thing, serves her shitty husband right for not getting it for her when he had the chance. ]
Really? That's so cold, after all we've been through together...!
[Giggling lowly at the whistle, he plays at being shy, shoulders wiggling beneath him before they settle, her against him. She taps a finger against her own chin, as if really considering this.]
Hmmm...you are definitely the kiss and tell kind of guy~ But am I really a challenge if my husband won't get jealous? Besides, I know you'll taste different. Worlds different.
[She rolls her eyes playfully. God, the nerve of this brat. Does he really think he's going to get one up on the Master Thief? No, he thinks he's going to get one up on this possible dominatrix wife of a possible mob don. Fat chance.]
All's fair in love and loot, darling boy. If you can't handle the heat, stay in the back during dodge ball.
[ As lovely as the lady is, as much as he would love to get her in the coat closet and have a little bit of fun (in your fucking dreams, Baroqueshit), he considers what it'd be like to hightail it out of here with Rahzel in tow, blowing a kiss to Ms. Busty and Beautiful with stolen jewels safe in the hands of his princess.
Oh, that's exciting.
His definition of "reeling it in" is to squeeze her bum and then put his hands up in surrender, though, so maybe he's just a greedy little shit. ]
Don't you want to make your husband jealous? Listen, I'm just being helpful.
[ But! A quick glance at the clock says that he has about thirty minutes, which means that he might have to excuse himself to go the gentleman's room so he can start crawling through vents... being a thief is so hard, this is why he doesn't do it often. ]
And I can definitely handle the heat, it's in my name.
[Okay the ass squeeze definitely garners some volume that turns a few eyes their way, and Lupin jumps about 5 inches in the air, coincidentally the same length of Baroqueheat's dick, and when he lands, turns wide eyes and red cheeks on the Brat, bosom in a flutter.
Gross! Fucking gross! He's going to have to squeeze Jigen's butt twenty times to forget this incident. SICK. Of course all she does is reach over and swat him too hard on the ass, squealing--]
You're so bad~ No, I don't want to make him jealous that much. As fun as it is to see his little faces and then make up, and as much as I know he'll forgive me...I don't want him to burn dinner next time.
[His gaze is drawn to whatever Baroqueheat's looking at-- it's the clock. It's almost show time!]
Will you at least leave me with your name before I extinguish you?
[ What has Jigen's ass done to deserve this!! Baroqueheat, ignorant to the plight of Jigen's buns, just cackles like the shithead he is and takes his own spanking like a pro. He even seems to enjoy it, too. Lupin should go wash that hand. ]
I'm a homewrecker, what can I say? ♥ Your husband deserves it for leaving you alone with Big Bad Wolf.
[ Little wolfpaws accompany his statement. He'd be cute if he just shut up. ]
—And the name's Baroqueheat, Baron Obscene. The title's a labor of love from my princess, cute, right?
[What the fuck hasn't Jigen's ass done?! It's directly responsible for what's happening in the now. It's gonna get thirty squeezes at this rate. Lupin's going to wash his hand with acid.]
But the only wolf here I see is this She-Wolf, right here. Now, there's a pup before me, nipping. Could he be whom you're referring? [Accentuated with a toothy grin of her own]
[BARON OB- that's actually a good one. Lupin chuffs a laugh, fingers pluck a fold of his dress, right at the knee, and does a little curtsy.]
It's nice to make your acquaintance, your lordship. Your little princess is truly a wordsmith!
[and a firecracker, probably. Good. Those types keep 'em on their toes.]
So you're a cat kind of woman! I figured, girls who like leather would like cats and catsuits.
[ An expert opinion, if he may say so himself. This brings him to thoughts about Catwoman and tight-fitting bodysuits... no, focus. Focus. Thankfully, that finger to his nose brings him back into the here and now. Bless you, Busty Babe. ]
Hmm~. Are you saying that I should settle? I don't like settling... unless it's settling on a bed with a gorgeous woman like you!
But since you're saying no to Operation: Make Hubby Jealous, Hi-tan's not looking to settle. What do they say about diamonds, again? They're a girl's best friend? I want my princess to have more friends in her life. Especially since diamonds don't talk and I won't have to make food for them.
Too bad you don't know for sure if I have a whip or not.
[Yeah this must be how Fujiko feels...so powerful and sleek. Not that he isn't either of these things! Should he get a really tight catsuit? Would Fujiko like that they match? Would Jigen? Would he pull it off with his teeth? Their thoughts are so similar it's disgusting.]
You should accept the place you've made for yourself. Keep fighting, but don't ever go back...you'll probably wind up with crocodile tears and a strip search~
[that's almost sweet...almost.] Perhaps you should put her in school so she can be near diamonds her own age instead of perverts-- excuse me, protective guard dogs?
[ Jigen and Fujiko would bond over their mutual distaste, keep dreaming Lupin!!!! Meanwhile, Baroqueheat wonders if he should drag Alzeid into a catsuit and make him stand outside for booze money... Rahzel would probably like that, enjoyment in his humiliation. Or maybe she'd take Alzeid's side and kick Baroqueheat into the next dimension, that too.
He listens to this very helpful and actually practical life advice (he should stop being a pervert, the one thing he should take away from all of this), a grin on his face and a little cant of his neck that would indicate that he's being attentive.
And yet, his reply is still a shitty: ] Probably. Maybe? She might like that, but probably not— she doesn't like being tied down? Every time I've tried, she's found a way to slip through!
[ jfc ]
—But really, the truth of it is that I'm selfish and she's selfish and she's just as cute rolling around in mud as she is in sparkles, so I want her to have both. No debate!
[THE TWO OF THEM AT ONCE?!?! Holy shit, dude, don't give Lupin a heart attack with a boner. Do you want the EMT to get their eye poked out? They need that to save lives. Can't all of them wear cat suits? That'll solve everyone's outstanding problems.
Yeah the asshole smirk is quite telling, which is why Lupin narrows his eyes.]
I'm afraid the two of you are going to be sorely disappointed and possibly sore in the morning after I'm through~ You will be, mostly. I'll be nothing but nice to her. Maybe we'll have tea and talk about you?
[deadpanned]
Don't use fisherman's knots, then, or your noose won't be so comfortable.
[he would know. He hopes she does tie this asshole up by his balls, what the fuck kind of guardian is he?!]
[ Maybe Lupin can have a suit made entirely out of live cats to scratch his balls off!!! HMPH.
Hmm. this is proving to be more difficult than he thought... As if he anticipated that his raw charisma and charm would be enough to deter mafia madam and her big beefy husband to back off from the diamonds he wants to steal. What if he gets put on their hitlist, will they have to go on the run again? Rahzel wanted to enjoy the hot springs in this town, shit... He's going to be in so much shit if he walks away from this with pretty jewels and goons after their ass. His ass.
Please don't put him in the leather dungeon.
He scratches his cheek, thinking, but decides: to hell with it. Live dangerously or live not at all. ]
I wish I could say that I make exceptions for pretty faces, but not when my princess's dignity is on the line! My ass will be sore and my ropeburns will be many, but the crown jewel of the night will be mine! ♥
[no thanks he'd rather just have someone fondle them gently and lovingly...pointed look @ Fujiko or Jigen.
Well he should look on the brightside, Lupin is: there's no possible, conceivable way his ass is getting out of this unscathed. Lupin's accepted it, it's about time Hi-tan did. His ass is on target no matter what happens. It's doomed.
No promises. At all.]
You know, it's really sweet how you're trying so hard...and I won't ask you to give up...I just ask you not to cry too loudly when I walk away with it, okay? It'll make my husband feel bad.
[Gently lays a hand on his arm and gives him a doe eyed look, a soft look, like she actually gives a fuck.]
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amen
If you'd like to put it that way, sure. I thinking young enough to stubbornly hang on to that bone, and old enough to know what'll happen when you do.
[Avoid-y one, huh. Well, he can live with that. Lupin doesn't blame him. Ah, and definitely won't refuse the drink]
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So, what are you doing after—
[ —this, is what he realizes he can't ask, mostly because he's not willing to ditch Rahzel for a one-night stand; even if it's such a good way to move conversation away from Things About Himself. Shit.
He backpedals like he was born on these shitty wheels taking him back, back, back. ]
—the curtains open and we get to poke at the goods?
[ Nice save. ]
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this slick little bastard was totally gonna ask him out, and then he just pulled out? The nerve of this guy! Brushing off the fake advances of a fake lovely lady!
(why the fuck does he care, he won't ask himself)
'Her' expression settles into something knowing and perhaps a little judgmental.]
Why, keep poking until I find its defenses and stab at the competition, naturally. That's the only way in these parts. How about you?
[Obviously not PA or anything]
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Things seem to be flying a little south for Baroqueheat, because he has to juggle his smoozy bastard side with his competitive asshole side, and it's like having two shoulder devils prodding at him at once. His smile becomes a little stiff, as forced as "her"s. ]
Aha... that made my nethers hurt, and I have no idea why.
[ It must have been the emphatic use of the word "stab". ]
Well. I make love, not war, so I'm trying to find more diplomatic ways to get what I want! ♥
[ diplomatic, aka stealing the fuck out of it because ain't no way he's getting a necklace here for 5 bucks ]
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Hopefully they're prodding him in the ass. Lupin's expression turns no-nonsense, running on luke warm.]
It sounds like longing to me. Or masochism.
[or both. Ah, are his ears-- dick? is his dick ringing??]
Oh? Well you're a strapping young buck, I'm sure some of these old codgers can stand to have their attention slip if you bend down or something...
[How obvious
(this is exactly what you're doing Lupin)]
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That terrifying mental image aside, he recovers when 'she' plays along with him (albeit with an air that says "I do hope your dick gets snapped off"), even if his knees knock inwards and he pitches forward so that his chin's resting on her shoulder. ]
So you want me to moon them? Maybe rack up a few bucks from ladies in the audience who want to put bills in my underwear? That might give me an edge over my competition, yeah.
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Ah, so he recognizes that aura? He's one tough cookie! Not totally gooey up there between the ears. Good to know. He blanches internally when that pointy chin touches him, though on the outside he merely lifts a hand to caress beneath his chin.]
Who said anything about the ladies? Though Madam Maryweather goes to those sorts of places all the time, she can teach the others allll about it! No, you'd have to go for the pool boy act. An edge? A distraction, at least. And it'd certainly anger their husbands.
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[ This smarmy shit. He looks up at her through his bangs, flashes teeth that are too white for his tarry soul. Oblivious he may seem, oblivious he isn't— because he follows that up with a slightly shit-eatingly inquisitive: ]
Will you be mad if I get whatever it is that you're gunning for? ♥
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[He laughs, a genuine belly laugh, shaking his head. Husband? More like his naggy, cute wife in an apron and nothing but.
(mine)]
Like I said, he's not the sort to get jealous easily. He's a very giving kind of man. And he knows I, too, am a free spirit. He'll probably disapprove of you blinding everyone with your ass, though.
[Bats her eyelashes at him again, wicked, wicked red lips turned up at the edges, a toothy smile nearly splitting her face, wide enough to swallow him whole or tear him to bits.]
Who's to say you'll get it before I do~? I've been doing this a lot longer than you have, baby.
[This must be how Fujiko feels...]
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Ooh, scary, scary. I bet he has a scar running down his face and smokes big fat cigars.
[ (Somewhere in the corner of the room, Jigen sneezes.)
He's about to chuckle at his own joke when he catches that smile out of the corner of his eye, though, and it dies halfway in his throat. ]
—Mm, are we gonna be racing for it? I love having women at my tail, not gonna lie.
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Oh, if only he knew. Not quite a don, but a guard dog turning his nose up at the scraps and biting the tails off the little yapping rookies that get too close to his den. He doesn't even swat deserving dumbasses with his precious hat.]
Pall Malls, actually. He smokes those. And his face is really, really handsome. He tries so hard not to make faces when I kiss him but, well...
[His smile turns all soft again, for a quarter of a second, before the teeth are back, ready to line Baroqueheat's throat if need be.]
I don't think it'll be much of a race, since all you'll be privy to is the sight of my dust in the distance.
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He laughs, pulls his arms up to drape them over her a shitty octopus. ]
I'm a Marlboros guy, wanna kiss me and see if I taste different? ♥
[ Now he's really motivated to steal this thing, serves her shitty husband right for not getting it for her when he had the chance. ]
Really? That's so cold, after all we've been through together...!
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Hmmm...you are definitely the kiss and tell kind of guy~ But am I really a challenge if my husband won't get jealous? Besides, I know you'll taste different. Worlds different.
[She rolls her eyes playfully. God, the nerve of this brat. Does he really think he's going to get one up on the Master Thief? No, he thinks he's going to get one up on this possible dominatrix wife of a possible mob don. Fat chance.]
All's fair in love and loot, darling boy. If you can't handle the heat, stay in the back during dodge ball.
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Oh, that's exciting.
His definition of "reeling it in" is to squeeze her bum and then put his hands up in surrender, though, so maybe he's just a greedy little shit. ]
Don't you want to make your husband jealous? Listen, I'm just being helpful.
[ But! A quick glance at the clock says that he has about thirty minutes, which means that he might have to excuse himself to go the gentleman's room so he can start crawling through vents... being a thief is so hard, this is why he doesn't do it often. ]
And I can definitely handle the heat, it's in my name.
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Gross! Fucking gross! He's going to have to squeeze Jigen's butt twenty times to forget this incident. SICK. Of course all she does is reach over and swat him too hard on the ass, squealing--]
You're so bad~ No, I don't want to make him jealous that much. As fun as it is to see his little faces and then make up, and as much as I know he'll forgive me...I don't want him to burn dinner next time.
[His gaze is drawn to whatever Baroqueheat's looking at-- it's the clock. It's almost show time!]
Will you at least leave me with your name before I extinguish you?
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I'm a homewrecker, what can I say? ♥ Your husband deserves it for leaving you alone with Big Bad Wolf.
[ Little wolfpaws accompany his statement. He'd be cute if he just shut up. ]
—And the name's Baroqueheat, Baron Obscene. The title's a labor of love from my princess, cute, right?
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But the only wolf here I see is this She-Wolf, right here. Now, there's a pup before me, nipping. Could he be whom you're referring? [Accentuated with a toothy grin of her own]
[BARON OB- that's actually a good one. Lupin chuffs a laugh, fingers pluck a fold of his dress, right at the knee, and does a little curtsy.]
It's nice to make your acquaintance, your lordship. Your little princess is truly a wordsmith!
[and a firecracker, probably. Good. Those types keep 'em on their toes.]
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The curtsy is returned with a bow, perfectly executed in a mockery of a real gentleman's gesture, with straight posture and one impeccably-bent arm.
Internally, he thinks: sorry, pretty lady, but you're not gonna get what you came here for. (famous last words.) ]
Big Bad Puppy, then. The quickest way to a woman's heart is with a cute little dog, didn't you know?
[ All smiles on his end, as he shoves his hands into his suit pockets. ]
My little princess is going to be a winner! You'll see, she looks really good in sparkles.
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Lupin leans in, and a manicured nail taps Baroqueheat lightly on the tip of his nose.
He sure tries to think inside the coot- box doesn't he. Expected as his thinking is.]
Kittens, actually. With collars made of sapphires.
[He really loves his "princess" doesn't he? Lupin has to wonder just what type of woman would put up with an idiot blowhard like this.
(There's probably a high pitched little squeak of a sneeze from somewhere in the distance)
Lupin smiles.]
I think you could do a little better-- with rubies. Leave the real pickings to the pros. Rubies would suit your little princess best, I think.
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[ An expert opinion, if he may say so himself. This brings him to thoughts about Catwoman and tight-fitting bodysuits... no, focus. Focus. Thankfully, that finger to his nose brings him back into the here and now. Bless you, Busty Babe. ]
Hmm~. Are you saying that I should settle? I don't like settling... unless it's settling on a bed with a gorgeous woman like you!
But since you're saying no to Operation: Make Hubby Jealous, Hi-tan's not looking to settle. What do they say about diamonds, again? They're a girl's best friend? I want my princess to have more friends in her life. Especially since diamonds don't talk and I won't have to make food for them.
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[Yeah this must be how Fujiko feels...so powerful and sleek. Not that he isn't either of these things! Should he get a really tight catsuit? Would Fujiko like that they match? Would Jigen? Would he pull it off with his teeth? Their thoughts are so similar it's disgusting.]
You should accept the place you've made for yourself. Keep fighting, but don't ever go back...you'll probably wind up with crocodile tears and a strip search~
[that's almost sweet...almost.] Perhaps you should put her in school so she can be near diamonds her own age instead of perverts-- excuse me, protective guard dogs?
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He listens to this very helpful and actually practical life advice (he should stop being a pervert, the one thing he should take away from all of this), a grin on his face and a little cant of his neck that would indicate that he's being attentive.
And yet, his reply is still a shitty: ] Probably. Maybe? She might like that, but probably not— she doesn't like being tied down? Every time I've tried, she's found a way to slip through!
[ jfc ]
—But really, the truth of it is that I'm selfish and she's selfish and she's just as cute rolling around in mud as she is in sparkles, so I want her to have both. No debate!
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Yeah the asshole smirk is quite telling, which is why Lupin narrows his eyes.]
I'm afraid the two of you are going to be sorely disappointed and possibly sore in the morning after I'm through~ You will be, mostly. I'll be nothing but nice to her. Maybe we'll have tea and talk about you?
[deadpanned]
Don't use fisherman's knots, then, or your noose won't be so comfortable.
[he would know. He hopes she does tie this asshole up by his balls, what the fuck kind of guardian is he?!]
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Hmm. this is proving to be more difficult than he thought... As if he anticipated that his raw charisma and charm would be enough to deter mafia madam and her big beefy husband to back off from the diamonds he wants to steal. What if he gets put on their hitlist, will they have to go on the run again? Rahzel wanted to enjoy the hot springs in this town, shit... He's going to be in so much shit if he walks away from this with pretty jewels and goons after their ass. His ass.
Please don't put him in the leather dungeon.
He scratches his cheek, thinking, but decides: to hell with it. Live dangerously or live not at all. ]
I wish I could say that I make exceptions for pretty faces, but not when my princess's dignity is on the line! My ass will be sore and my ropeburns will be many, but the crown jewel of the night will be mine! ♥
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Well he should look on the brightside, Lupin is: there's no possible, conceivable way his ass is getting out of this unscathed. Lupin's accepted it, it's about time Hi-tan did. His ass is on target no matter what happens. It's doomed.
No promises. At all.]
You know, it's really sweet how you're trying so hard...and I won't ask you to give up...I just ask you not to cry too loudly when I walk away with it, okay? It'll make my husband feel bad.
[Gently lays a hand on his arm and gives him a doe eyed look, a soft look, like she actually gives a fuck.]
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