A little too obsessed with tying me up if you ask me. Why can't he knit me a sweater instead of being all kinky?
[he shudders, leaving behind The Pain of Dat Leg to wrap his arms around himself and pout. It's pitiful is what it is. A pitiful, brilliant existence. With a final, loud ripping sound and a whine Lupin expertly removes the tape, gun in hand, and climbs back to his feet, straightening to shoot Jigen a scowl]
You think you're really funny today, huh. Raul's not that kind of guy, Lee.
[How sweet of him to remember! No time for that now, the elevator comes to a halt with a shake, Lupin's head swims slightly with the adjustment to the height (the 40th floor, what style, what grace to make it there in record time). The doors pop open with a cheerful ding! And Lupin focuses his eyes on Jigen's, gun raised and back pressed to the side of the panel of buttons. One can never be too careful, especially with Pops involved.]
[ The elevator slows, and Jigen is right there on the other side of the door, magnum in hand, safety unlocked. ]
Been waiting for you to say that.
[ It's one of those incredibly groan-worthy oneliners that you'd only expect Humphrey Bogart to say in perfectly-timed noir moments, but Jigen pulls it off with some conviction; the man lives for moments like these, after all.
As soon as he finishes delivering that sassy quip, he goes quiet to let whoever might be waiting for them on the other side speak up first— but when they're met with silence instead of the usual "drop your weapons and step out with your hands up", Jigen pivots on one heel and trains his gunpoint at the empty hall. ]
[Lupin's only steps behind him, tension wired in the line of his shoulders and the grim line of his mouth until Jigen breathes those words, the magic words! All's well that (almost) ends well. He should probably knock on wood for that but he's not the superstitious one.]
Lookin' good so far. Gotta hand it to her, she's got it.
[It's a ghost town up here. Not a single peep, doesn't even seem to be anyone sticking around for a little overtime. With a spring in his step, Lupin ducks back into the elevator, yoinks a troll doll of wacky hair and creepy refusal of pants of all thing, and deposits it smack dab in the middle of the elevator. Once he steps out, he pushes the button for the first floor and smiles knowingly, already turned to lead down the empty corridor.]
Alright. The head honcho's office is down here and we've got an important appointment to keep.
[ The troll is met with a raised brow on Jigen's part, but he's long since gotten used to the weird trinkets that Lupin keeps around just to piss everyone off. Farewell, naked pink-haired soldier, he barely even knew you.
His formerly well-polished shoes sound too loud in the emptiness of teir surroundings, but all's good where there's no trouble— Jigen's almost tempted to have a smoke, but setting anything off, be it a smoke alarm, would be hideously counterproductive.
Instead, he strides on down the hall next to Lupin, efficiently landing a bullet in the nearest surveillance cam that tries to swivel on over to look where they're standing. RIP. ]
Punctuality's always been your strong suit.
[ There's a slight lilt to his voice, a reedy amusement that shows in an upwards twitch of his lips as he nears the biggest set of double-doors. ]
[At least there are tasteful paintings to look at, all probably done by college students who begged with ramen cups and beer can Christmas bonuses to get their work signed over for a company like this.
Lupin doesn't bat an eye when Jigen kills the camera softly. One of the moments to come has arrived. He plucks his wallet from his back trouser pocket and removes what looks like...a credit card? It's not even a keycard? No, it's not. But as if it was one, Lupin slides it through the panel indicated and punches in a choice code. It takes a second, a second Lupin's jaw locks the slightest bit, but the screen flashes bright green, the door's lock yields with a metalic click, and his palms are already pushing the doors open. It's an expansive room filled wall to wall with two bookshelves filled with novels to law manuals, no doubt. There's even a fish tank in here. Too easy.]
I always make it a point to clear my schedule with my secretary.
[who's the secretary]
We've got a few. From Fujicakes' info we're looking for a paperweight that's actually a statue. [he takes one look at the grand mahogany desk in the middle of the office, the countless paperweights piled atop to guard a myriad of papers, and sighs, lips pursed. One way to get this over with; Lupin strides on over and starts to rifle through]
[ lupin only wishes that fujiko were his sexy secretary
It's a given that every high-class board room will contain at least one needlessly expensive fish tank, and Jigen peers into this particular one with a detached attentiveness, watching the multicolored fish swim by sedately. There's just something about the fact that nature, artificially sustained or not, has a tendency to persist completely independently from all the weird antics that they get into— but he'll leave that particular brand of musing to Goemon, who wears it better than he does.
Edging away from the miniature aquarium and past the bookshelves (which may or may not swivel and reveal a safe, a hidden compartment, or both), Jigen puts one hairy hand on the surface of the desk and tips the brim of his hat up with the other, surveying the assortment of novelty paperweights with his lips arched downwards in a low-hanging "U". ]
Look at this one. [ He says, picking up a gaudy, enormous crystal poodle. His expression sours, tongue peeking from between his teeth. ] It's like we walked right into a flea market.
[SHE IS HIS SEXY SECRETARY!! Better than Goemon as the sexy secretary, hmph.
Apparently they need more trips out to the west if it takes a fishtank for Jigen to get all philosophical...It might be interesting to check out the individual shelves for tricky stashes and whatnot, but it might also be too easy, too cliche, too same ol' same ol'.
Lupin's gaze swivels away from the penguin party paper weight in his hands complete with floating fish to Jigen's discovery. He sticks out his tongue, expression twisted in obvious disgust]
What is this guy, someone's middle aged mom hoping to spice things up at home? I'm convinced...we're doing him a favor!
[He tosses the paperweight to the ground with a flick of his wrist, carelessly, and it doesn't shatter, thankfully. He goes to pick up another one, an embarrassing piece of two little naked and youthful cherubs kissing, but when his fingers wrap around the wings of one, it won't budge.
Lupin's entire body makes an exclamation mark; when he pushes it, it seems to sink into the desk thanks to a nice little lever]
[ are you saying that goemon wouldn't look killer in a pencil skirt...hairy legs and all.
Any visits to the west will probably end up in some random guy in chaps and a ten-gallon hat crawling out from behind a cactus as Jigen tries to enjoy philosophizing about life and the universe. It's a wonder that none of the construction workers suddenly challenged Jigen to a shootout based on some stupid perceived slight on their part, a small blessing towards the success of their current job, really.
But here they are, alone, with the ceiling suddenly shifting— any comment Jigen was going to make about how no one should ever own anything in the form of cherubs is swallowed by the din of the building moving. A hand shoots out to steady himself, fingers grasping for stability, and in the process, a porcelain Dalmatian paperweight falls and breaks into a million pieces.
There's no time to mourn, though. ]
—At least this guy knows not to do the usual.
[ Casting a sideways glance at those poor neglected bookshelves... ]
Is the room spinning, or am I just bein' paranoid?
[Long, long ago, in another life, he did rock an outfit of Fujiko's really well, so...NO NEVERMIND STOP THIS TRAVESTY
How are we sure this random guy isn't actually Jigen's conscience, trying to send him a message about the future through the blessed silence of nature and cactus jumps and cow tipping? It could just be his psyche making a collect call...the hat gave it away, nice try.
Lupin shifts towards the noise of shattering expensive pieces, naturally drawn to it, but all he does is plant his feet wide against the floor, one palm braced against the flat surface of the desk while the room spins round and round, where it stops, they don't quite know! It starts to get a little faster, Lupin's fingers tighten the slightest against the desk]
Always and forever, that-- but you're right on the mark, as usual! We're getting a free carnival ride out of this, that's cool. Maybe I was wrongish about this guy.
And you know what, Jigen's conscience is currently living in Hotel California, and you know what they say about that place. ]
Dunno, cherubs and merry-go-rounds without the horses? Can't say I want to know what this guy is like on his personal time.
[ He has a feeling that their mark's house is full of scary dolls and beds with canopies, and he wants to be as far away from that kind of creepiness as possible. The room keeps turning, seems to even rise out of whatever foundation it's built upon and move even farther up into a hollowed space between the fake ceiling of their previous space and the ceiling proper; a good place to hide something, Jigen'll give them that.
When their ride finally stops, the doors swing open into another hall, carpeted in what looks like velvet. Jigen suppresses a groan. ]
Let's get this over with.
[ he should be happy it's not a weird dungeon or something ]
I bet he's just a barrel of laughs and creepy naked manikins. You know, the normal stuff. I really wanted to ride the bronco, too...
[He gives a disappointed little huffsigh that lifts his shoulders before moving on, gun raised before him. There shouldn't be any more trouble, this should be it but it's them...this shit always seems to clog up the toilet when it seems its smoothest.
NO! GO TO CHURCH: THE FUTURE TIMELINE CONSPIRACY.
Weed from ceiling to ripped carpet? That's indeed what they say.
The silence doesn't exactly help the atmosphere, and the dim lighting definitely isn't helpful. It seems as though a flood of blood could come rushing in to sweep them into a garbage disposal could come at any moment...is what he'd think if he were that negative! Or watched that many scary movies with Goemon shittalking the entire thing and throwing popcorn at him as a distraction! Their footsteps are entirely too loud, the carpet's fibers sliding easily beneath their feet.
It shouldn't lead to a creepy sex dungeon but...]
We're almost there. Can you hear that tub calling your name?
[just a few more steps and despite how endless this corridor feels, they make it in a few strides of long legs. Lupin braces one shoulder against the door, arm straight before him, and waits for this Very Important Answer regarding The Tub from his partner. As if it'll soothe whatever is to come, knowing something so seemingly trivial (it isn't, to him).]
[ This place is unsettling for all the wrong reasons: weird porno lighting? Check. Carpets that squeak under your feet? Check. Disconcerting paintings of presumably dead people and their pets? Triple-check. Someone should be calling for an interior decorator, not Zenigata.
Jigen has his gun in one hand, the other shoved deep in his pants pocket, so as not to inadvertently touch anything and set off a trap that may or may not include a whole barrel full of lube. This entire place seems unclean to him... someone help him from some slippery fate. ]
Don't talk to me about tubs right now.
[ THIS IS REALLY BAD, HE HAS BAD MENTAL IMAGES, DON'T DO THIS. Go To Church: The Ongoing Saga.
With Lupin pressed against the door, Jigen assumes that there are no more fancy tricks his partner needs to get up to to open it, so he taps his foot against the wall to psyche himself up before moving to kick the entrance down. ]
[The only things missing are the dead hookers on a disheveled bed with too-long-ass nails and porno music accompaniment. The cops downstairs are a good lead in, though. Never welcome, but always there, like a rash from not wearing your fucking socks with your shoes.]
Get your mind outta the gutter, man. I'm buying after this.
[Shoots him a wink and with a nod he counts off '1, 2, 3--' before they kick the door open with a dramatic CRACK!
It's empty of life, as they figured it would be. Not of more tacky art, though. That's easy to ignore in the face of the centerpiece of it all: Sitting in the middle of the room on a charming safe, already ajar, is a masterpiece of crystalline design. Pure shining crystal, clear as an innocent baby's soul, is the figure of Russia's Vladimir Putin sitting on a toilet. It's a charming piece, right down to the details of the bowl and the folds of his slacks around his ankles. Truly beautiful.
Lupin takes one look at it, throws back his head, gun lowered at his side, and laughs uproariously.]
Bingo! Now he's got real taste. It's nice to see the real him. [Does he mean Putin or their mark
Regardless, he takes a moment to laugh and when he collects himself, heaves a sign and saunters over to the open safe, tugging it open one handed to delve into the second piece of this job.]
[ There are so many things to talk about in this room: from the bawdy chandelier to the wallpaper that looks like it was ripped right out of a college production of a play about Marie Antoinette, to the sofa that looks like a setpiece from Moulin Rouge, gold statues of what look like koi fish jumping out of strange orifices (???), to...
...this. The centerpiece, the treasure hidden inside this seemingly innocuous office building. Vladimir Putin on a toilet, taking a perfect, pristine, platinum shit.
Now Jigen's seen it all. ]
You've gotta be kidding me.
[ This is all he can manage, his voice strangled and pushed through a tightened windpipe; this is the verbal equivalent of a guy's balls shrinking into himself, as regrettable as this sentence is in retrospect. There would be a laugh in disbelief, but amidst all this horrifying kitsch, the crystalline stare of Mr. Putin doing his official business is... too much.
God Lupin please just get what they came here for so Jigen can do some bourbon shots ]
If you told me this morning that that's what we'd be finding along with the treasure, I wouldn't have come.
[ A lie, but he says it between raised brows and a resigned slump of his shoulders. ]
[Lupin stows his weapon in the waistband of his pants for now, the moment of danger still at their heels but not enough to get burned...just yet. When Jigen ventures close enough, Lupin will jostle him with an elbow, scoffing--]
Bullshit. I would've lied and said it was Courtney Love over an air vent anyway, and you'd be the first one out here.
[His elbows jerk as he rifles through the safe, tossing out papers and jewels and a few marriage certificates (interesting...) before finally he lets out a loud AHA! Pinched between two fingers is another legal mumbo jumbo document, a deed, matter of fact. He dangles it under Jigen's nose]
Now that we've got everything it's time to get to the private elevator.
[This guy might be the type to go antiquing for horrendous shit like this, but he's also the type to have an escape pod built in. Paranoia has its merit. In the meantime, Lupin and Putin will be acquainting themselves with each other, and Lupin will marvel and not question Fujiko's tastes once again, too enraptured, judging by the smile on his face and the googly eyes]
[ If they were Those Kinds of people, they could probably have taken a few pictures of the things in here for future blackmail material; no doubt Fujiko's got that side of things covered for the both of them. Jigen eyes a few of the jewels that are tossed aside in favor of the paperwork, but in the end, elects not to take anything like Aladdin wisely chose not to do at the Cave of Wonders. He has a distinct feeling that these are items he doesn't really want to have much to do with.
Speaking of the Cave of Wonders, it's highly likely that a bunch of other people— read, Zenigata— will start trying to smoke them out, so now would be a good time to mosey before the walls start caving in. Vigorously pretending that Putin isn't still taking a shit in the middle of the room, Jigen runs one hand along the perimeter of the room, feeling for snags or strange indentations in the wallpaper.
After a bit of searching, one finger catches on an irregularity which Jigen traces back towards an unnerving painting of a naked man on a horse (jesus christ). Wordlessly, he pulls the monstrosity from the wall and tosses it aside, tapping his knuckles against the newly-revealed release switch for the emergency escape helicopter; let's hope that it's not made out of solid gold with propellers in the shape of dicks or something. ]
[Lupin gives Putin a pat on the head--] See ya never, hopefully you won't get caught with your pants down this time, buddy. [Then expertly pops off the diamond encrusted handle of the ever glorious throne and deposits it in his pocket. Why was that so simple? Professionalism, my dear. And elbow grease.
Document and item in question secured, he takes one last look at Putin, salutes the bastard, and follows at Jigen's heels. Behind door number one is not a helicopter covered in dicks or even tits, it looks pretty normal at first glance. No fuzzy dice or tits hanging from the dashboard are up for debate and debacle.]
No cherubs or weird furries on the horizon, partner. I think we'll get out of this smooth saili-
LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
[This mati- challenger's call sounds from presumably outside the hidden office. He's getting close, Lupin can feel it in the air and his left pinky. Without any preamble, Lupin throws open the door to the passenger side and bats his eyelashes at Jigen (needlessly to be honest)]
Will you do the honors, my good man? Honor Katharine.
[ There he is, the man of the hour (and decade, and century). Jigen's almost about to ask what a furry is (don't do this) when Zenigata saves him with the usual battle cry, which is probably a sign that he shouldn't ask and should just get his bony ass into this blessedly-normal helicopter.
Get his bony ass inside he does, responding to Lupin's pretty-as-pie eyelash batting with a soft eugh. ]
Our very own version of "The African Queen", huh.
[ Will he ever stop making references to old movies that only he's seen, the answer is never. This would also put Lupin in the coveted Miss Hepburn role... Jigen will never win.
Obscure references aside, the helicopter rumbles to life upon the turn of ignition, the thrum of engines unmistakeable to the figure standing outside the door; there's a muddled "they have a getaway!!" over the noise of propellers, scores of footsteps that get lost as they lift off and the ceiling, again, gives way. ]
You think Pops finally wised up and brought bazookas this time around?
[ That's a dryly fond joke, spoken between lips that have already found themselves in possession of a half-smoked cigarette. ]
Edited 2015-02-01 01:59 (UTC)
holy fuck i love how i catch my mistakes almost a day after i made them!!
Could use a few more ladies-in-waiting for my entourage, though. Definitely not the old man in a dress. [he's just covering all the bases; the bases being Zenigata in a goddamn dress, that's a base. The sun's since set since this duo rage quit (in Jigen's case) their day jobs in favor of pilfering from the rich to feed their poor asses, and the evening looms ahead of them.
Maybe he'll win some day if he's played by someone like Cumberbatch or Nic Cage. Until then...
Lupin doesn't get too comfortable just yet. Instead, he decides to answer Jigen's question: by taking out a round, apparently, of more teeny trolls from his innumerable pockets, which he just up and throws across the roof, where they scatter and immediately begin to expand. The instant the pitter-patter of police officer feet hit the deck they'll explode, showering them in sticky, cement-like goo. Nice.
With a grin, a snicker and a "Catch me later, Pops!", Lupin slams the door shut finally and taps Jigen on the shoulder, giving him a thumbs up]
Tubs of booze, here you come. Another one without a hitch.
[ If given the chance, and being told that it would help capture Lupin? Jigen has absolutely no doubt that Zenigata would get into a strapless ballgown and wear glass shoes. Never underestimate that man and his dedication to the cause.
Giving one farewell glance to the literal mess that he and his partner have made on the deck of the building, Jigen puffs a cloud of smoke and settles into the nicely-upholstered seat of their stolen ride. In the background is the pleasant white noise of indignant spluttering, a musical "come back here, Lupin!" that echoes through city skylines. Some kids are trying to sleep, Zenigata, keep it down. ]
That went almost too well. Hopefully you haven't used up all your luck for the year on this one.
[ Designated driver that Jigen is, he maneuvers the helicopter adroitly, looking back every few seconds to make sure that they're not being chased. ]
sob ty(note to self and also you, MAYBe zenigata has a gd cuff machine or the copter was sabotaged?
[He's right, this was almost too damn easy. Which is why, disregarding every and all in-flight instructions he's ever been given, instead of securing himself in with a seat belt, he takes to stumbling his way around, hands gliding over panels and seats to make sure there are no snakes on this mother fucking plane.
Jigen's comment elicits a snort out of him. And he raps weathered knuckles against the panel of the 'copter, getting a metallic clunk as a result.]
Can't do too many things for luck. You don't have any salt for throwing over shoulders, do ya? [he's joking of course probably]
You know how it is, man. We'll take it as it comes, cool as cucumbers. [more like shitting like geese, frantically and coolly, but-- its his job to reassure and spread on the bullshit.]
I know you'll keep your eyes to the horizon and fly us straight and true like you know I'll get us outta whatever. [he doesn't even need to say it, does he? Dark eyes peek up to his hat laden counterpart up there. Trust me he already knows.]
[ Jigen's driven, flown, steered, and maneuvered the gang through so many obstacles by now that a little rough wind is routine and to be expected; which is why he doesn't bat an eye at Lupin's limbs moving all over the place, jostles a hip with a shoulder when it comes too close. ]
Dunno, your on-again off-again relationship with Lady Luck's really startin' to—
[ Starting to what? Give him premature grays? Give him phantom stomachaches? The world may never know, because he's cut off (as always) by a sudden jerk of the helicopter that lurches him forward and almost has his face collide with the panel: a romantic kiss scene for the ages. There's a moment of real concern where Jigen wonders if they've actually been shot (was Pops really that prepared this time??), but there's no rush of heat or decline in altitude to support that theory, and instead, there's a groan of motors and another forwards lurch of the vehicle, like a dog kept on a leash that's too tight.
Give him a moment to readjust his hat and his balance before opening the door to take a peek at what the hell's going on. ]
...Hey, take a look at this.
[ A thumb points to the landing skid, newly adorned with what looks like one end of a giant handcuff; they're really going for a theme today in this caper, "kinky-weird".
And of course, behind them, that ever-familiar voice shouting "I've got you now, LUPIIIIIIIN!!!!" ]
[Lupin's gonna need to take five minutes (well the rest of the night) or all of five seconds, Jigen, since his face and the side of the 'copter have now become incredibly acquainted with one another. It's one of those painful kind of love affair's that's got him pressed for time, space, and possibly a broken nose.]
Owowowow, shit...what the hell's his problem?! He's been watching to many cartoons...[yes he can see it, yes he's fucking annoyed and maybe a little jealous because that's pretty damn good--
Not better than anything harebrained he can come up with, though. When he peels himself away from his collision, face red and scratched, he wobbles over to the door, lunch bag in hand, and scowls]
Who the hell does he think he is? MacGyver? [We all know who has that title here. It's this guy. Bracing himself with the door, he up and tosses the apparently remains of his lunch right out.]
He's good, but I'm better. I've been waiting to use this one.
[He's just gotta time it right. With quick fingers he snatches his gun from its stowed compartments (his pantalones), and levels it.
The bag drops down, down towards this Cuff contraption]
[ Fight fire with fire. Jigen can see where Zenigata's coming from, but he almost feels sorry for the guy for starting with the bar raised so high; it's like he sprinted right through the baby steps phase and went straight for Olympic gold.
From his vantage point on the driver's side, Jigen watches Lupin get to work on making Zenigata literally eat his shorts with a detached sense of cool, preemptively pinching his nose just in case something unsavory happens to those discarded pantalones... One can never be too careful. ]
Something tells me Pops is gonna hate you for this one.
[ Not that Zenigata hasn't valiantly bounced back from truly ridiculous shit happening to him on an almost daily basis, but. Speaking of, the intrepid inspector seems to realize that Lupin is, as always, Up To Something, and waves an angry fist at the duo. ]
Lupiiiiiin! Don't try to worm your way out of this one!!
[ As if the two of them are secretly dying to be housed behind bars for the rest of eternity... Once Jigen hears Zenigata out, he ducks back into the 'copter, slouching forward to lessen whatever impact or tremor might result from whatever his partner is up to. ]
[Well as long as he doesn't take fifty years to finish the race-- oh nevermind that's exactly what this is. Lupin's feet slide against metal, a screech of soles, so he can brace himself wide, no longer relying so heavily on the door to keep him steady. It's purely skill and feline grace right now.
A single bead of sweat drips into his eyes which he blinks away with stubborn finality. When the bag finally, finally flutters far enough to nearly reach the mechanical workings of this contraption Zenigata shat out, Lupin takes a breath, holds it in his chest, and pulls the trigger.
Bullseye. The bag explodes, but instead of flames and danger and hellfire, what showers the machine's mechanisms and odds and ends and control panel and the cops--
is a goo that hardens instantly, securing Zenigata into place mid shout, fist still raised and megaphone raised to the star lit sky. His back up are in similar states of statuesque.]
LUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIN! WHAT IS THIS STUFF? YOU'RE REALLY LOSING YOUR EDGE, USING SUPER GLUE-- ah, wait, what? Why can't I move? MY NOSE ITCHES, I CAN'T MOVE!
[Sounds from below are very reassuring.
Snickering to himself, Lupin crosses over to his seat and plops down, gun tossed beside him within easy reach.]
Nah, he'll get over it. Once his boss stops yelling at him and he gets someone to scratch his ass. Wish I could've taken a better look at that thing he had...Why? Think I should buy him a bouquet of hand cuffs?
[He hooks an ankle over his knee, folds his arms behind his head as he gets comfortable, and ponders. Dark eyes shine with curiosity. A terrible premonition.]
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[he shudders, leaving behind The Pain of Dat Leg to wrap his arms around himself and pout. It's pitiful is what it is. A pitiful, brilliant existence. With a final, loud ripping sound and a whine Lupin expertly removes the tape, gun in hand, and climbs back to his feet, straightening to shoot Jigen a scowl]
You think you're really funny today, huh. Raul's not that kind of guy, Lee.
[How sweet of him to remember! No time for that now, the elevator comes to a halt with a shake, Lupin's head swims slightly with the adjustment to the height (the 40th floor, what style, what grace to make it there in record time). The doors pop open with a cheerful ding! And Lupin focuses his eyes on Jigen's, gun raised and back pressed to the side of the panel of buttons. One can never be too careful, especially with Pops involved.]
Ready to tango, partner?
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Been waiting for you to say that.
[ It's one of those incredibly groan-worthy oneliners that you'd only expect Humphrey Bogart to say in perfectly-timed noir moments, but Jigen pulls it off with some conviction; the man lives for moments like these, after all.
As soon as he finishes delivering that sassy quip, he goes quiet to let whoever might be waiting for them on the other side speak up first— but when they're met with silence instead of the usual "drop your weapons and step out with your hands up", Jigen pivots on one heel and trains his gunpoint at the empty hall. ]
—All clear.
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Lookin' good so far. Gotta hand it to her, she's got it.
[It's a ghost town up here. Not a single peep, doesn't even seem to be anyone sticking around for a little overtime. With a spring in his step, Lupin ducks back into the elevator, yoinks a troll doll of wacky hair and creepy refusal of pants of all thing, and deposits it smack dab in the middle of the elevator. Once he steps out, he pushes the button for the first floor and smiles knowingly, already turned to lead down the empty corridor.]
Alright. The head honcho's office is down here and we've got an important appointment to keep.
no subject
His formerly well-polished shoes sound too loud in the emptiness of teir surroundings, but all's good where there's no trouble— Jigen's almost tempted to have a smoke, but setting anything off, be it a smoke alarm, would be hideously counterproductive.
Instead, he strides on down the hall next to Lupin, efficiently landing a bullet in the nearest surveillance cam that tries to swivel on over to look where they're standing. RIP. ]
Punctuality's always been your strong suit.
[ There's a slight lilt to his voice, a reedy amusement that shows in an upwards twitch of his lips as he nears the biggest set of double-doors. ]
no subject
Lupin doesn't bat an eye when Jigen kills the camera softly. One of the moments to come has arrived. He plucks his wallet from his back trouser pocket and removes what looks like...a credit card? It's not even a keycard? No, it's not. But as if it was one, Lupin slides it through the panel indicated and punches in a choice code. It takes a second, a second Lupin's jaw locks the slightest bit, but the screen flashes bright green, the door's lock yields with a metalic click, and his palms are already pushing the doors open. It's an expansive room filled wall to wall with two bookshelves filled with novels to law manuals, no doubt. There's even a fish tank in here. Too easy.]
I always make it a point to clear my schedule with my secretary.
[who's the secretary]
We've got a few. From Fujicakes' info we're looking for a paperweight that's actually a statue. [he takes one look at the grand mahogany desk in the middle of the office, the countless paperweights piled atop to guard a myriad of papers, and sighs, lips pursed. One way to get this over with; Lupin strides on over and starts to rifle through]
Euuugh, speaking of tacky hobbies...
no subject
It's a given that every high-class board room will contain at least one needlessly expensive fish tank, and Jigen peers into this particular one with a detached attentiveness, watching the multicolored fish swim by sedately. There's just something about the fact that nature, artificially sustained or not, has a tendency to persist completely independently from all the weird antics that they get into— but he'll leave that particular brand of musing to Goemon, who wears it better than he does.
Edging away from the miniature aquarium and past the bookshelves (which may or may not swivel and reveal a safe, a hidden compartment, or both), Jigen puts one hairy hand on the surface of the desk and tips the brim of his hat up with the other, surveying the assortment of novelty paperweights with his lips arched downwards in a low-hanging "U". ]
Look at this one. [ He says, picking up a gaudy, enormous crystal poodle. His expression sours, tongue peeking from between his teeth. ] It's like we walked right into a flea market.
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Apparently they need more trips out to the west if it takes a fishtank for Jigen to get all philosophical...It might be interesting to check out the individual shelves for tricky stashes and whatnot, but it might also be too easy, too cliche, too same ol' same ol'.
Lupin's gaze swivels away from the penguin party paper weight in his hands complete with floating fish to Jigen's discovery. He sticks out his tongue, expression twisted in obvious disgust]
What is this guy, someone's middle aged mom hoping to spice things up at home? I'm convinced...we're doing him a favor!
[He tosses the paperweight to the ground with a flick of his wrist, carelessly, and it doesn't shatter, thankfully. He goes to pick up another one, an embarrassing piece of two little naked and youthful cherubs kissing, but when his fingers wrap around the wings of one, it won't budge.
Lupin's entire body makes an exclamation mark; when he pushes it, it seems to sink into the desk thanks to a nice little lever]
Bingo.
[The ceiling of all things starts to shake]
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Any visits to the west will probably end up in some random guy in chaps and a ten-gallon hat crawling out from behind a cactus as Jigen tries to enjoy philosophizing about life and the universe. It's a wonder that none of the construction workers suddenly challenged Jigen to a shootout based on some stupid perceived slight on their part, a small blessing towards the success of their current job, really.
But here they are, alone, with the ceiling suddenly shifting— any comment Jigen was going to make about how no one should ever own anything in the form of cherubs is swallowed by the din of the building moving. A hand shoots out to steady himself, fingers grasping for stability, and in the process, a porcelain Dalmatian paperweight falls and breaks into a million pieces.
There's no time to mourn, though. ]
—At least this guy knows not to do the usual.
[ Casting a sideways glance at those poor neglected bookshelves... ]
Is the room spinning, or am I just bein' paranoid?
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How are we sure this random guy isn't actually Jigen's conscience, trying to send him a message about the future through the blessed silence of nature and cactus jumps and cow tipping? It could just be his psyche making a collect call...the hat gave it away, nice try.
Lupin shifts towards the noise of shattering expensive pieces, naturally drawn to it, but all he does is plant his feet wide against the floor, one palm braced against the flat surface of the desk while the room spins round and round, where it stops, they don't quite know! It starts to get a little faster, Lupin's fingers tighten the slightest against the desk]
Always and forever, that-- but you're right on the mark, as usual! We're getting a free carnival ride out of this, that's cool. Maybe I was wrongish about this guy.
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And you know what, Jigen's conscience is currently living in Hotel California, and you know what they say about that place. ]
Dunno, cherubs and merry-go-rounds without the horses? Can't say I want to know what this guy is like on his personal time.
[ He has a feeling that their mark's house is full of scary dolls and beds with canopies, and he wants to be as far away from that kind of creepiness as possible. The room keeps turning, seems to even rise out of whatever foundation it's built upon and move even farther up into a hollowed space between the fake ceiling of their previous space and the ceiling proper; a good place to hide something, Jigen'll give them that.
When their ride finally stops, the doors swing open into another hall, carpeted in what looks like velvet. Jigen suppresses a groan. ]
Let's get this over with.
[ he should be happy it's not a weird dungeon or something ]
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[He gives a disappointed little huffsigh that lifts his shoulders before moving on, gun raised before him. There shouldn't be any more trouble, this should be it but it's them...this shit always seems to clog up the toilet when it seems its smoothest.
NO! GO TO CHURCH: THE FUTURE TIMELINE CONSPIRACY.
Weed from ceiling to ripped carpet? That's indeed what they say.
The silence doesn't exactly help the atmosphere, and the dim lighting definitely isn't helpful. It seems as though a flood of blood could come rushing in to sweep them into a garbage disposal could come at any moment...is what he'd think if he were that negative! Or watched that many scary movies with Goemon shittalking the entire thing and throwing popcorn at him as a distraction! Their footsteps are entirely too loud, the carpet's fibers sliding easily beneath their feet.
It shouldn't lead to a creepy sex dungeon but...]
We're almost there. Can you hear that tub calling your name?
[just a few more steps and despite how endless this corridor feels, they make it in a few strides of long legs. Lupin braces one shoulder against the door, arm straight before him, and waits for this Very Important Answer regarding The Tub from his partner. As if it'll soothe whatever is to come, knowing something so seemingly trivial (it isn't, to him).]
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Jigen has his gun in one hand, the other shoved deep in his pants pocket, so as not to inadvertently touch anything and set off a trap that may or may not include a whole barrel full of lube. This entire place seems unclean to him... someone help him from some slippery fate. ]
Don't talk to me about tubs right now.
[ THIS IS REALLY BAD, HE HAS BAD MENTAL IMAGES, DON'T DO THIS. Go To Church: The Ongoing Saga.
With Lupin pressed against the door, Jigen assumes that there are no more fancy tricks his partner needs to get up to to open it, so he taps his foot against the wall to psyche himself up before moving to kick the entrance down. ]
But I'm definitely gonna need a drink!
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Get your mind outta the gutter, man. I'm buying after this.
[Shoots him a wink and with a nod he counts off '1, 2, 3--' before they kick the door open with a dramatic CRACK!
It's empty of life, as they figured it would be. Not of more tacky art, though. That's easy to ignore in the face of the centerpiece of it all: Sitting in the middle of the room on a charming safe, already ajar, is a masterpiece of crystalline design. Pure shining crystal, clear as an innocent baby's soul, is the figure of Russia's Vladimir Putin sitting on a toilet. It's a charming piece, right down to the details of the bowl and the folds of his slacks around his ankles. Truly beautiful.
Lupin takes one look at it, throws back his head, gun lowered at his side, and laughs uproariously.]
Bingo! Now he's got real taste. It's nice to see the real him. [Does he mean Putin or their mark
Regardless, he takes a moment to laugh and when he collects himself, heaves a sign and saunters over to the open safe, tugging it open one handed to delve into the second piece of this job.]
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...this. The centerpiece, the treasure hidden inside this seemingly innocuous office building. Vladimir Putin on a toilet, taking a perfect, pristine, platinum shit.
Now Jigen's seen it all. ]
You've gotta be kidding me.
[ This is all he can manage, his voice strangled and pushed through a tightened windpipe; this is the verbal equivalent of a guy's balls shrinking into himself, as regrettable as this sentence is in retrospect. There would be a laugh in disbelief, but amidst all this horrifying kitsch, the crystalline stare of Mr. Putin doing his official business is... too much.
God Lupin please just get what they came here for so Jigen can do some bourbon shots ]
If you told me this morning that that's what we'd be finding along with the treasure, I wouldn't have come.
[ A lie, but he says it between raised brows and a resigned slump of his shoulders. ]
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Bullshit. I would've lied and said it was Courtney Love over an air vent anyway, and you'd be the first one out here.
[His elbows jerk as he rifles through the safe, tossing out papers and jewels and a few marriage certificates (interesting...) before finally he lets out a loud AHA! Pinched between two fingers is another legal mumbo jumbo document, a deed, matter of fact. He dangles it under Jigen's nose]
Now that we've got everything it's time to get to the private elevator.
[This guy might be the type to go antiquing for horrendous shit like this, but he's also the type to have an escape pod built in. Paranoia has its merit. In the meantime, Lupin and Putin will be acquainting themselves with each other, and Lupin will marvel and not question Fujiko's tastes once again, too enraptured, judging by the smile on his face and the googly eyes]
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[ If they were Those Kinds of people, they could probably have taken a few pictures of the things in here for future blackmail material; no doubt Fujiko's got that side of things covered for the both of them. Jigen eyes a few of the jewels that are tossed aside in favor of the paperwork, but in the end, elects not to take anything like Aladdin wisely chose not to do at the Cave of Wonders. He has a distinct feeling that these are items he doesn't really want to have much to do with.
Speaking of the Cave of Wonders, it's highly likely that a bunch of other people— read, Zenigata— will start trying to smoke them out, so now would be a good time to mosey before the walls start caving in. Vigorously pretending that Putin isn't still taking a shit in the middle of the room, Jigen runs one hand along the perimeter of the room, feeling for snags or strange indentations in the wallpaper.
After a bit of searching, one finger catches on an irregularity which Jigen traces back towards an unnerving painting of a naked man on a horse (jesus christ). Wordlessly, he pulls the monstrosity from the wall and tosses it aside, tapping his knuckles against the newly-revealed release switch for the emergency escape helicopter; let's hope that it's not made out of solid gold with propellers in the shape of dicks or something. ]
Alright, say goodbye to the statue.
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Document and item in question secured, he takes one last look at Putin, salutes the bastard, and follows at Jigen's heels. Behind door number one is not a helicopter covered in dicks or even tits, it looks pretty normal at first glance. No fuzzy dice or tits hanging from the dashboard are up for debate and debacle.]
No cherubs or weird furries on the horizon, partner. I think we'll get out of this smooth saili-
LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
[This mati- challenger's call sounds from presumably outside the hidden office. He's getting close, Lupin can feel it in the air and his left pinky. Without any preamble, Lupin throws open the door to the passenger side and bats his eyelashes at Jigen (needlessly to be honest)]
Will you do the honors, my good man? Honor Katharine.
The sun's set since the duo
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Get his bony ass inside he does, responding to Lupin's pretty-as-pie eyelash batting with a soft eugh. ]
Our very own version of "The African Queen", huh.
[ Will he ever stop making references to old movies that only he's seen, the answer is never. This would also put Lupin in the coveted Miss Hepburn role... Jigen will never win.
Obscure references aside, the helicopter rumbles to life upon the turn of ignition, the thrum of engines unmistakeable to the figure standing outside the door; there's a muddled "they have a getaway!!" over the noise of propellers, scores of footsteps that get lost as they lift off and the ceiling, again, gives way. ]
You think Pops finally wised up and brought bazookas this time around?
[ That's a dryly fond joke, spoken between lips that have already found themselves in possession of a half-smoked cigarette. ]
holy fuck i love how i catch my mistakes almost a day after i made them!!
Maybe he'll win some day if he's played by someone like Cumberbatch or Nic Cage. Until then...
Lupin doesn't get too comfortable just yet. Instead, he decides to answer Jigen's question: by taking out a round, apparently, of more teeny trolls from his innumerable pockets, which he just up and throws across the roof, where they scatter and immediately begin to expand. The instant the pitter-patter of police officer feet hit the deck they'll explode, showering them in sticky, cement-like goo. Nice.
With a grin, a snicker and a "Catch me later, Pops!", Lupin slams the door shut finally and taps Jigen on the shoulder, giving him a thumbs up]
Tubs of booze, here you come. Another one without a hitch.
me and spelling mistakes always... PATS U
[ If given the chance, and being told that it would help capture Lupin? Jigen has absolutely no doubt that Zenigata would get into a strapless ballgown and wear glass shoes. Never underestimate that man and his dedication to the cause.
Giving one farewell glance to the literal mess that he and his partner have made on the deck of the building, Jigen puffs a cloud of smoke and settles into the nicely-upholstered seat of their stolen ride. In the background is the pleasant white noise of indignant spluttering, a musical "come back here, Lupin!" that echoes through city skylines. Some kids are trying to sleep, Zenigata, keep it down. ]
That went almost too well. Hopefully you haven't used up all your luck for the year on this one.
[ Designated driver that Jigen is, he maneuvers the helicopter adroitly, looking back every few seconds to make sure that they're not being chased. ]
sob ty(note to self and also you, MAYBe zenigata has a gd cuff machine or the copter was sabotaged?
Jigen's comment elicits a snort out of him. And he raps weathered knuckles against the panel of the 'copter, getting a metallic clunk as a result.]
Can't do too many things for luck. You don't have any salt for throwing over shoulders, do ya? [he's joking of course
probably]
You know how it is, man. We'll take it as it comes, cool as cucumbers. [more like shitting like geese, frantically and coolly, but-- its his job to reassure and spread on the bullshit.]
I know you'll keep your eyes to the horizon and fly us straight and true like you know I'll get us outta whatever. [he doesn't even need to say it, does he? Dark eyes peek up to his hat laden counterpart up there. Trust me he already knows.]
CUFF MACHINE IT IS, zenigata the prince
Dunno, your on-again off-again relationship with Lady Luck's really startin' to—
[ Starting to what? Give him premature grays? Give him phantom stomachaches? The world may never know, because he's cut off (as always) by a sudden jerk of the helicopter that lurches him forward and almost has his face collide with the panel: a romantic kiss scene for the ages. There's a moment of real concern where Jigen wonders if they've actually been shot (was Pops really that prepared this time??), but there's no rush of heat or decline in altitude to support that theory, and instead, there's a groan of motors and another forwards lurch of the vehicle, like a dog kept on a leash that's too tight.
Give him a moment to readjust his hat and his balance before opening the door to take a peek at what the hell's going on. ]
...Hey, take a look at this.
[ A thumb points to the landing skid, newly adorned with what looks like one end of a giant handcuff; they're really going for a theme today in this caper, "kinky-weird".
And of course, behind them, that ever-familiar voice shouting "I've got you now, LUPIIIIIIIN!!!!" ]
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Owowowow, shit...what the hell's his problem?! He's been watching to many cartoons...[yes he can see it, yes he's fucking annoyed and maybe a little jealous because that's pretty damn good--
Not better than anything harebrained he can come up with, though. When he peels himself away from his collision, face red and scratched, he wobbles over to the door, lunch bag in hand, and scowls]
Who the hell does he think he is? MacGyver? [We all know who has that title here. It's this guy. Bracing himself with the door, he up and tosses the apparently remains of his lunch right out.]
He's good, but I'm better. I've been waiting to use this one.
[He's just gotta time it right. With quick fingers he snatches his gun from its stowed compartments (his pantalones), and levels it.
The bag drops down, down towards this Cuff contraption]
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From his vantage point on the driver's side, Jigen watches Lupin get to work on making Zenigata literally eat his shorts with a detached sense of cool, preemptively pinching his nose just in case something unsavory happens to those discarded pantalones... One can never be too careful. ]
Something tells me Pops is gonna hate you for this one.
[ Not that Zenigata hasn't valiantly bounced back from truly ridiculous shit happening to him on an almost daily basis, but. Speaking of, the intrepid inspector seems to realize that Lupin is, as always, Up To Something, and waves an angry fist at the duo. ]
Lupiiiiiin! Don't try to worm your way out of this one!!
[ As if the two of them are secretly dying to be housed behind bars for the rest of eternity... Once Jigen hears Zenigata out, he ducks back into the 'copter, slouching forward to lessen whatever impact or tremor might result from whatever his partner is up to. ]
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A single bead of sweat drips into his eyes which he blinks away with stubborn finality. When the bag finally, finally flutters far enough to nearly reach the mechanical workings of this contraption Zenigata shat out, Lupin takes a breath, holds it in his chest, and pulls the trigger.
Bullseye. The bag explodes, but instead of flames and danger and hellfire, what showers the machine's mechanisms and odds and ends and control panel and the cops--
is a goo that hardens instantly, securing Zenigata into place mid shout, fist still raised and megaphone raised to the star lit sky. His back up are in similar states of statuesque.]
LUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIN! WHAT IS THIS STUFF? YOU'RE REALLY LOSING YOUR EDGE, USING SUPER GLUE-- ah, wait, what? Why can't I move? MY NOSE ITCHES, I CAN'T MOVE!
[Sounds from below are very reassuring.
Snickering to himself, Lupin crosses over to his seat and plops down, gun tossed beside him within easy reach.]
Nah, he'll get over it. Once his boss stops yelling at him and he gets someone to scratch his ass. Wish I could've taken a better look at that thing he had...Why? Think I should buy him a bouquet of hand cuffs?
[He hooks an ankle over his knee, folds his arms behind his head as he gets comfortable, and ponders. Dark eyes shine with curiosity. A terrible premonition.]
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